Do Not Try This At Home

Shoplift chicken from grocery store run by Russian mafia. While driving home, post account of the theft on Facebook.

Marinade chicken in trunk of car one to two days before cooking.

In the meantime, prepare sausage, pork chops, and shellfish on wooden cutting board, and leave board unwashed.

Change your car's oil.

Carry chicken in from the car in your bare hands. Slice chicken on wooden cutting board and place pieces directly on oven rack.

Cook at 165F for 10 minutes. Juggle carving knives.

Remove chicken from oven, again with with your bare hands.

Add sliced tomatoes, basil, balsamic vinegar, mozzarella cheese and raw egg.

Castor beans and Tide Pods™ make a tasty side dish.

Figure out once and for all that "literally" literally means "literally."